Wow, life is picking up speed again. And I’m fighting it.

God really used my being sick for so long to slow me down. The lesson I learned was big, and basic.

This moment. Right now. It’s all I have to work with. Living in my head, spinning my wheels, stressing over the weight of things not yet done, and appointments not yet met. These things are pseudo-life. I will never be effective as a person (a wife, a mother, a friend) if I continue to live there.

When I am living in that space I listen less. I don’t make eye contact. I hurry, scurry and worry. I have all the appearance of process, with none of the actual positive change.

In the world of my weight loss, I, and a small group of women, have started to meet online and the community is good. God has placed me in a good place. He has given me a few special friends who actively support my efforts and I feel so blessed.

I am using SparkPeople to track my food and exercise. I am reading First Place 4 Health with a good friend. I am using the 0-5 (hunger and fullness scale) to guide my eating. I am doing an AM/PM Stretch DVD, and adding walking to my schedule. I am continuing with my PT Exercise and will be adding some low-key strength training to my week as well.

Slow and steady. Determined perseverance. God is working on me, and it’s good.

I have been super sick twice in the past three months. Got some blood test results that indicate that I’m heading toward becoming a diabetic. I have started to have knee problems. My diet is low on calcium.

So, it’s time to change things up a bit. I have recently come to the realization that it makes sense for me to pay attention to the foods I am eating and the nutrients they contain (or don’t). Hunger numbers have their place, but right now, health issues have indicated I have to be more deliberate in my eating.

A friend and I are going to start a First Place 4 Health based group this next week. I have read the book based on the program. It’s sort of an overview of the philosophies in the program. It’s all about balance. Mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. I’ve been out of whack for a while.

So, I see now that I was blessed with knee pain. Yes, blessed in that it has caused me to take action. Went to the doctor. Got sent to Physical Therapy. There’s a lot to be said for having someone tell you what to do. So, I have been doing my exercises. My knee is getting better.

I have been a part of SparkPeople for over a year, but have not actually used it as it was intended. For two days now I have logged my food. I was amazed at how many food items have been entered there. Not only is it the official SP food database, but you can draw on items entered by others. It’s not magic, it just showed itself to be useful. So for now, I am going to be more aware of what I choose to eat, and see how it makes me feel.

I have struggled for a while with guilt over considering a more measured approach to my eating. Hearkens back to my WD days. Then I resist doing it because I don’t want life to be a hassle. Fortunately there are enough tools right now (Evernote on my phone and SparkPeople) that let me grab snapshots of my meals for later cataloging when my failing memory won’t do.

God is absolutely leading this journey of mine. Not having TW work perfectly for me has actually made me seek Him even more intensely. I don’t know where it’s going. Maybe that’s the lesson – that I need to just do with what I have in front of me right now, and trust that He’ll move me if I’m not in the right spot.

Blessings.

I’m still here. The Spirit is working in my heart and instead of talking a lot about it, I’m just getting quiet and listening.

A friend has reminded me that when it comes to knowing I’m satisfied, God DOES speak. I just am not slowing down and actively listening.

How many times do I act like my 3 year old? – I have my eyes so fixated on what I’m doing that I don’t hear or tune out when the Holy Spirit gives me a warning moment that tells me when I really should be done eating…

So, I’m practicing listening.

Pre-Breakfast: Mug of coffee w/cream & sugar

Breakfast: Mug of coffee w/cream & sugar; 1/2 banana; Small protein bar

Lunch: 1 serving Mac N CHeese; carrots, broccoli, celeri & olives w/ranch; 1 Molten lava vanilla cake (ugh! too much!)

Dinner:

Breakfast: Whole wheat waffle w/PB and apple butter; 1 1/2 mugs coffee w/creamer and sugar

Lunch: PB & apple butter on WW; Dark cherries w/sugar & cream

Snack: Mug of coffee w/ creamer and sugar

Dinner: Taco salad; Chocolate chip cookie

Breakfast: PB on WW Toast w/applesauce; Coffee w/creamer & sugar (8:00a)

Lunch: PB, Cream cheese & nutella sandwich on WW; Coffee w/creamer & sugar (12:15p)

Snack: Frozen dark cherries w/sugar and cream

Dinner: Taco salad

Late Night Snack: Chocolate chip cookie

Pedometer Steps: 4,634

One of the things I’m doing is getting an “average steps per day” number, and then I will be increasing that number to set new goals of activity for myself. Low impact and healthy.

I am not sure what exactly this blog will hold. Most likely some form of food log. I am in the midst of working through the 12 Steps of OA via the The Recovery Group, as well as reading First Place 4 Health, a book I will be reviewing.

Regardless I know I want to be accountable for what I plan and choose to do.

Thanks for bearing with me on this bit of a break. It was a rough year, that 2008, but I have much hope and determination to find balance in all areas of my life, physical, mental, spiritual and emotional.

My son got sick last night and so very kindly shared. I’ve been offline all day. Will try to catch up tomorrow!

TW Chapter 14 Excerpts:

Our Lord imparts newness of life to us through the Spirit of Christ which gives us the power to make holy choices. He inspires us to believe Him; He equips us to act. – p 141

Acting, before allowing God to inspire, can take me down the path of my performance.

…we are, in fact, eagles, destined for the sky. – p 141

You are holy. This is a fact based on God’s provision, purpose, plan and pardon….”But,” you may object, “I have binged three times in the last six days. How can I possibly be holy?” Because God is God, and He says because of the finished work at the cross of Calvary all of your past, present, and future sin has been paid for….
…If we do step outside of God’s will, are we cut off from His grace? No! As authentic believers in Christ, we are by God’s mercy permanently under grace….
We are forgiven. We are redeemed. We are holy. – p 141

Growing up steeped in legalism, I just need to let this settle in my mind without having to rush into the next part. I am Holy. God has forgiven all the sins I have and will commit. I am, simply, forgiven.

Either we will be led by the Spirit, choosing to eat 0 to 5, or led by the flesh where the mind remains fixated on food. By believing the Word of God, that you are Holy in His sight, you will choose actions that are in line with that belief. You will be inspired, equipped, and empowered along the way by His grace and the Holy Spirit to choose in accordance with His will. Philippians 2:13 says, For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. – pp 142-143

I have to slightly disagree with the wording of this passage. I am entirely capable of being fixated on food and eating, even while choosing to eat 0 to 5. I do understand that there is merit in “acting as if…” to sort of prime the pump of good behavior, but after years of striving and half-striving and failing, I’m being called to a time of resting in Him. This passage does say that I/we will be “inspired” to choose in accordance with His will. I am taking a step back and maybe it will give a little bit of room for that to happen.

Being Spirit-led gives us the freedom to develop sensitivity and experience joy in listening to His voice moment by moment. There is peace in knowing who we are in Christ, and there is confidence and rest for our souls when we surrender our will to a holy God. – p 144

I am very excited by the idea that God may not mean for me to pick up and “do” Thin Within verbatim. I know it’s a really inspired program, but for many years now, I have treated it as the book of the law that, whenever I’m ready to get serious, would walk me through the right path and on to victory over my weight. I’ve had it all wrong. Only God can lead me. I am at a place where I need to listen to what I read, but not treat it as the words directly out of God’s mouth. The trusting that I need to start doing is trusting that God’s got me covered. I may be this weight for a long time, I may not. If I purse God, and get the “listening” part down, then who knows where he will take me. I have to STOP presuming that I know exactly what God’s will is and STOP trying to bend my own will into doing it. It has taken God completely out of the equation for me – pushing him to the role of “meal police”.

Know that He desires you to be your natural God-given size. If you remain unconvinced, you will remain stuck in actions that go along with those negative beliefs. – p 145

This is the big red flag for me. Maybe, just maybe, I need to let go of what *I* want in terms of physical appearance, and just listen for God’s inspiration. It may bring me full circle to this style of study and living, but maybe not.


I’m not blinding myself. I know that I carry more weight than this frame was intended to handle. I also carry a lot more guilt than my soul was intended to handle.


I am forgiven.


I am Holy.


I am listening.

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